


If I could stop the time

by katychan666



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Alec, I suppose, Light Angst, M/M, Magnus tries to comfort him, Tumblr Ask Box Fic, but he's a mess as well, talking about future
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-12 02:18:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11152143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: Alec is freaked out after finding his first grey hair. Getting old is one of Alec's biggest fears and even though he's bothered by the fact that his physical appearance is slowly changing, that isn't what bothers him. With the changes that the time brings, he realises how fast the time is actually passing and it kills him to think about the future, in which Magnus'll be forced to live without him one day.





	If I could stop the time

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr, since it was requested by someone on there.
> 
> Hm, so angst... I don't know, I feel like I'm not quite good at writing angst. Not only because my heart hurts when I make the characters in the story miserable, but I don't know... I'm just not good at writing angst in general. But you know what, you be the judge. Please do let me know down in the comments how this was xD
> 
> Enjoy~

Alec was standing in front of the mirror and was nervously chewing on his lower lip, feeling sick down to his stomach when he noticed something that wasn't there a few days ago. His first grey hair. That was one of many signs that he was getting old and honestly, it bothered him a lot. Magnus never said anything and Alec knew that the warlock didn’t have any problems with him getting older. In fact, Alec was still in his top shape and looked much younger than he actually was. But even though that it didn’t matter to Magnus, it mattered to him. It bothered him a lot and he cursed, his eyes then going to one of many wrinkles on his face and he cursed under his breath. It wasn’t even about his looks, but lately he had been becoming aware more and more of the fact that one day he was going to be gone, while Magnus was going to be forced to live without him. And that realisation hurt like hell. He loved Magnus more than he loved himself and the thought of leaving him behind always made it hard to breathe. If he could stop the time somehow, he would.

The Shadowhunter let out a hitched breath and he allowed his head to rest against the mirror. He had achieved many great things in his life up until then. He was married to the man of his dreams, they had two wonderful children, who were all grown up now. It’s been almost twenty years since he and Magnus had met and to be honest, Alec didn’t know when all of that time passed. It seemed as if it was yesterday that he met Magnus. The warlock was wonderful as ever, still looking young and Alec felt his stomach making a flop when his eyes located another grey hair and he closed his eyes tightly. Growing old was one of his biggest fears, beside spiders. People were already staring at them in a weird way, when he and Magnus would go out on a date. He didn’t even want to imagine how people were going to look at them once he’d grow even older.

“This isn’t fair,” whispered Alec and took a few steps back, taking in a deep breath and he then just shook his head, trying to even out his rapid breathing. The more time that he spent thinking about the future, the bigger the wish about stopping the time was and at some time Alec had to force himself to breathe. The thought of him being gone made him restless and yet, there was nothing that he could do. Magnus was the immortal one and Alec didn’t want to have it any other way. He had learned his lesson years ago about Magnus’ immortality. He wanted the warlock to live a happy life once he’d be gone. At least then, their children would have someone with them. But, Rafe was heading down the same path as him and his heart was crushed at the thought of Max learning it the hard way what being immortal meant. In the process, Magnus was going to lose his husband and a child.

Tears welled in Alec’s eyes and he quickly wet his face with cold water, trying to collect himself. It was useless to think and worry about things that he had no control over. He thought that he had learned it by then that he should live for the moment and not for the future; the present was what mattered. But apparently, he still didn’t learn that. He was still as foolish as he was years ago and he just let out a forced laugh. “One day I’m going to be gone,” whispered Alec. Hearing himself say that sent shivers up his spine and his breath shook when he gripped onto the sink. “I’m going to leave Magnus, Max and Rafe behind. They-”

“Darling, everything okay in there?” suddenly said a voice, waking Alec up from his day dreaming and he quickly straightened himself up. Hearing Magnus’ voice at that moment had a big impact on him and he just let out a strangled sob. Alec had been in the bathroom for a while now and Magnus was beginning to grow worried. His husband had been acting kind of strange for the few past days, so it was only natural for him to worry. Wanting to check up on Alec, he walked up to the bathroom and softly knocked onto the door. Because he received no reply, his worry increased and he tried again. “Alexander, please open the door.”

“No,” whispered Alec, but as worried as Magnus was, the door was opened with just a snap of his fingers and Alec quickly looked down, hiding his face from Magnus’ eyes, since he didn’t want to make him even more worried.

Magnus froze in place when he saw that Alec was turned away from him and his heart throbbed when he heard a muffled sob coming from the man, who was still looking away and Magnus quickly made his way to his husband, placing a hand on top of the other’s shoulder and forced Alec to turn around. Reluctantly, Alec allowed himself to be turned around, but he quickly looked away again and Magnus felt his chest tightening when he saw the tears. Even though Alec was looking down, Magnus could see that the Shadowhunter’s cheeks were wet with fresh trails of tears and he gasped. Alec rarely cried and when he did it was something really serious.

“Alexander, for the love of God, what happened while I was gone?” asked Magnus softly and quickly cupped the crying man’s face and he quickly lifted Alec’s face up. He then pressed their foreheads together and with his magic wiped Alec’s tears away. The Shadowhunter calmed a bit down when he felt something soothing against his cheeks, knowing that it was Magnus’ magic and he then just embraced his husband, clinging onto his tightly and desperately. “You’re scaring me,” whispered Magnus, because Alec was still a mess and when he tried to break their hug, Alec kept him in place and just kept on holding him.

“I’m old,” blurted out Alec and Magnus’ eyes widened when he heard that. At some other occasion, he would laugh at Alec’s useless worries and poke fun at him. But it wasn’t the right time. It was true, Alec had aged a bit, but the warlock still didn’t understand what that had to do with anything. He had told him countless numbers of times; Alec was still a catch, he aged like fine wine. So, in Magnus didn’t know what all the fuss was about.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh don’t act like you don’t know,” said Alec and slowly broke their hug. “I look old. Not just the wrinkles, but now I have _grey_ hair, Magnus,” he went on by saying and Magnus looked closer, narrowing his eyes to take a closer look. “Don’t search for it!” complained Alec and quickly covered his hair.

Magnus chuckled and shook his head. “I’m sorry, okay?” said Magnus playfully and crossed his arms on top of his chest. “Didn’t we have this talk already, Alexander? You’re aging like fine wine. The years look great on you. You look more sophisticated and-”

“Yeah I might look decent now, but how about in ten years from now, huh?” snapped Alec and shook his head. “Don’t pretend like you don’t see how people are staring at us when we’re out. _Others_ know that you’re too good for me. I’m a few years away from going bald. Then what?”

“You think I’m with you because of your looks?” asked Magnus, hurt. It hurt him to think that Alec thought that he was so shallow, especially after so many years of being together. They had their ups and downs and now Alec thought that he was going to leave him because of the way that he looked? “I love you, Alexander and it hurts me that you think I’d leave you only because of that. Do you think I’m that cruel?”

“That’s not what I meant,” whispered Alec and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes. “I just,” he stammered. “I wish I could stop the time, somehow,” he then added with a small voice. “I didn’t mean to take it out on you like that. But,” he said and then his voice trailed off.

“But?” asked Magnus and titled his head to the side. “So what if your hair is getting grey? I think it’ll suit you. I can totally see you rocking that look,” said Magnus playfully, trying to cheer Alec up a little bit, but he failed miserably.

“All of this just made me realise how fast the time is passing,” whispered Alec and Magnus visibly tensed up at those words. “It’s been almost twenty years since we’ve gotten together, but it feels as if we only met yesterday,” he said. “This just made me realise that our time together is very limited and-”

“Don’t!” snapped Magnus, cutting Alec off in the middle of the sentence and he quickly shook his head. “We’re _not_ having this talk again. I thought we had an agreement, we live in the moment and not think about the future,” said Magnus, a lump forming at his throat and he swallowed thickly when he felt his throat going dry.

“Magnus,” stammered Alec and sighed. Magnus looked afraid and uncomfortable about talking of their future. Up until then, they never had a proper talk about their future and the Shadowhunter kind of wished that they would talk about it. “We’ve never had a proper talk about this.”

“And why should we, huh?!” snapped Magnus, his heart hammering against his ribcage. “What good is gonna do us? I _know_ what’s gonna happen, but I don’t want to think about that,” said the warlock and Alec could see that Magnus slowly started crumbling apart in front of him. “I don’t want to think about the future without you in it,” finally whispered Magnus and bit into his lower lip, trying to prevent it from trembling, but his voice gave him away. His voice was cracking and deadly silence fell between them for a few moments. Magnus knew that they should have a talk about it, but he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be forced to deal with the reality of Alec being gone one day. He knew that he’d have to deal with that eventually, but just for a few more moments, he wanted to pretend that the future isn’t going to be horrible.

Alec was looking down at the moment. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He knew that it was useless to be talking about such things, but in a way, it would do him good. He wanted to tell Magnus so many things; he wanted to let him know that it was okay for him to love another person once he’d be gone. Alec knew that he wasn’t Magnus’ first love and not his last one, but he was _his Alexander._ Someone special to him and he wanted to be remembered in a good away. He wanted the warlock to be happy in the future, but as he opened his mouth to tell him that, the words didn’t come out. They stayed on his tongue and burned in his throat, making it difficult to breathe once again and his breath shook.

“You know, sometimes I do think about it, but,” suddenly said Magnus and Alec looked into his direction. “It’s fucking horrible. I can’t stand it. You’re the love of my life Alexander and to tell you the truth, I’d rather be dead than to live without you,” he then added and pressed a hand against his mouth. Saying that out loud cut him into his heart like cold blade, but he didn’t let the tears fall; he couldn’t. Alec was already crying again and he just swallowed back his own tears and gave Alec a sad smile.

“Magnus, I-”

“Shit, this is why I don’t want to talk about it,” whispered Magnus when he saw new tears rolling down Alec’s face and he walked up to his husband and kissed him softly, his kisses working almost like magic and once they broke their kiss, Magnus sighed. “If there was a way to stop time, I’d do it so that we can be together, forever,” whispered Magnus and new tears started streaming down the Shadowhunter’s face. It was true that it was rare for Alec to cry, but once he’d start, it was hard to stop those tears from running. “Shh, don’t cry,” whispered Magnus and despite his own heart being shredded into pieces, managed a weak smile.

“I love you so much, Magnus,” stammered Alec and Magnus nodded, smiling.

“I know that you do,” said Magnus with a sad smile and started kissing away the tears. “Look,” he then said once Alec finally calmed down a bit and cleared his throat. “We’re together and happy now,” muttered the warlock against the other’s lips. “Isn’t that enough for you?”

“Yeah, it is,” said Alec after a few moments and Magnus gave him a sad smile. While it was true that Alec wasn’t really satisfied that the conversation about the future was ended, he was kind of glad as well; it was a weird feeling. He had to agree with Magnus; he had to live for the present. If he wouldn’t he’d probably go mad with worries. Magnus then cupped the other’s chin and lifted his face up again, to press their lips together a few more times.

“Now then,” started Magnus and cleared his throat. “Let’s stop wasting our time on thinking about such things and let’s do something fun,” he said and Alec slowly nodded, wiped away the traces of his tears and sighed.

“How does a dinner out sound like?” asked Alec, his voice still cracking and Magnus nodded.

“Sounds lovely, darling,” replied the warlock with a grin.

Even though the two of them went out that evening and were able to forget about the worries, the fear of losing each other still lingered around, but neither of them could do anything about that. All that they could do was to grit their teeth and hope for the best while enjoying time that they still had with each other, cherishing every little moment.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Sorry if this was too depressing, I'll write something more uplifting the next time.


End file.
